A girl can only stay in denial so long... at least, that's true if the old "fake it 'til you make it" deal isn't working.
So yeah. I am sick. Again and still. It gets better and worse, of course, and when it's better, I try to pretend I'm just perfectly fine. And I try to catch up on all the things I sit around wishing I could do during the times when I can't move much. It lasts for a little while and then... I crash.
I've crashed. Hard this time.
If you've been around here long, you know it's thyroid disease I'm talking about. Specifically, autoimmune Hashimoto's, which is the hypo kind - the slow kind. The cold and brain foggy kind. The fat kind. I had the other one too, Graves', I'd take that over this any day... sort of. At least I was hyper and skinny and got lots done. That one's good until you worry about your heart and your eyes start popping out. And you get kind of shaky like a drug addict. It's not pretty either. They both really suck.
Anyway... it seems like I crash every spring. Maybe it's all those pretty flowers out there spewing pollen everywhere. Maybe it's all those months of rain and no sun catching up with me. Maybe it's that last flu/cold virus that goes around right before Summer comes and clears out all the germs... I don't know, but there's a pattern. My body gets heavy and it's hard to move. Hard to think. Hard to live. And I'm sick of it.
So yes, of course, I've dragged myself back to the doctor for a full run of tests. What to do? What to try? What else to look at? It seems that, really, there is a lot of new info these days, after all. So I'm trying new things. Terms like "Hypothyroidism Type 2" and "Adrenal Fatigue" and "natural desiccated thyroid" and the discovery that the medicine I've been taking for more than a year contains a filler that I'm allergic too (which pisses me off, seriously, as it's caused my antibodies to skyrocket, stupid stupid stupid medicine, but explains a lot) - all give me hope that there are answers and solutions, some information to work with. Some new things to try. Some old things to toss in the garbage.
But still. It's autoimmune. There is no cure. No one knows why. It's not a matter of "here, take this little pill for the rest of your life and you'll be fine." - they say that... but it's not true.
I read an article this morning by a woman with Lupus, another autoimmune disorder. She explained the struggle of living with a chronic condition in such a brilliant way: The Spoon Theory. Yes, it's like that. Exactly like that. Right now I have very little spoons. I am hopeful that I'll have more, and soon.
Just thought I'd share. I've crashed, yes, but I'm picking myself back up. I'll be around again in a little while... one way or another.